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A Grief Encounter: Grieving losses other than death
Mental Health & Disabilities John was a gifted 18-year-old. Athletic and musical, he also participated enthusiastically in his church youth group. He was voted valedictorian at his graduation. But the summer after he finished high school everything changed — another car swerved into his lane while he was driving to work, resulting in a serious collision. After weeks in a coma and months in rehab, John came home in a wheelchair, needing help to get in and out of bed, and knowing he would never walk again. For weeks it felt as if he would never stop crying. Amid the tears he often called out, "Why, God? Why?"
Jim and Susan were thrilled when their second daughter was born — cute, brown-eyed Jessica. They watched with delight as she began to develop. But gradually it became obvious that while darling Jessica responded warmly to touch and to familiar faces, she did not respond to their voices. Her parents reassured themselves that nothing was wrong, but in time their fears were confirmed. Jessica was deaf. Devastated, Jim and Susan could see nothing but hard work and disappointment ahead of them. They tried to put on a brave front, but at night they asked hard questions and wondered how their lives and Jessica's would be more difficult than they had anticipated.
Brett and Sharon and their three teenage children were a wonderful church family on whom many others had learned to count. Then one fall Brett came down with a serious depression. He hardly had the energy to get out of bed in the morning and missed a lot of work. Everyone in the family felt the extra stress. There were sharp words, more little accidents, and less homework done. Nothing was right in their home anymore. Their happy family was gone.
The experiences described in these stories are reality for many individuals and many families. Long-term illnesses and disabilities, and the losses that come with them, are traumatic experiences, and people respond to them in ways similar to how they respond to the death of a loved one. Many of us have experienced death up close and understand what happens when a loved one dies. We may remember our initial shock and perhaps denial. We may recall how the next weeks, months, and maybe even years, were an emotional roller coaster. We may have got upset at small irritations, or been scared if we discovered symptoms similar to the ones experienced by the person who died. We may have burst into tears at times when it didn't seem appropriate, and sometimes felt too discouraged to get up in the morning. We may remember not sleeping or eating well. We may have said or done things that were not normal for us. Things that would not have affected us normally now caused hurt. And we may remember the questions we repeatedly asked: Why, God? What do we do now? How do we go on? These responses are normal in dealing with a loved one's loss. They are a significant part of our grieving, and of eventually coming to accept the loss so we can go on with life.
Acknowledging lossesSignificant losses other than death produce similar feelings and questions. They need to be grieved just as we need to grieve the death of a loved one. While these losses may not be as final as death they can be very traumatic. Think again about Jim, Susan, and little Jessica. They will likely often ask why Jessica was born without hearing. They will probably spend a lot of energy searching for someone who can help. When other toddlers begin talking, they will need to grieve that Jessica will never be able to hear and that her talking at best will be delayed. As other children play together, Jessica may often be on the fringe. No matter how good her teachers are, school will be a challenge. At each stage Jim, Susan, Jessica, and her sister need to grieve the losses they experience. Think again about John. His friends will go on to college, become actively involved in their church congregations, move into good jobs and get married. Yet John will always need help with basic everyday needs. He will never live independently. Likely he will never have children, and Jim and Susan will never experience the joy of grandparenting. John and his family will need to grieve these losses many times. Think again about Brett and Sharon and their family. They move into a cheaper house in a different neighbourhood and the children have to take on additional responsibilities at home and have to work to earn their way through college. But perhaps even more difficult is the loss of person who was their husband and father. Because Brett is often unable to share in decision-making and in giving support as he was able to previously, there are times when Sharon feels as if she is a single parent and the kids realise that their Dad just isn't there for them the way he used to be. Brett, too, realises he can't do many of the things he did before that were a support to his family. His illness has left a big hole in their family and all of them will need to grieve over and over again when Brett is not able to do the things he used to do and yet are things that are expected of spouses and parents.
Feeling the painThe Psalms are a good source for grieving people. David records many of his feelings of grief in Psalm 22. He tells us how terrible he feels and he asks the big question of God: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" David suffers a loss of trust in God and a loss of confidence in himself. He is being pursued by enemies, and mourns his lost safety, security, and purpose. He speaks openly and clearly of his questions and feelings. Many Psalms express feelings and ask the big questions. So do the writings of some of the prophets. They show how important it is to grieve, and then model how to do so. When we don't know how to articulate our grief, we can use their words. Some people may not realise the need to grieve things other than death because they don't think they're so big or they don't realise that the need to grieve them is just as real as the need to grieve death. Some people do not grieve in healthy ways. They deny the need to grieve and squelch their thoughts and feelings by keeping busy. This can be done unconsciously. Others try to be what they think is strong and hide their feelings and questions. Yet it is possible that the feelings and questions will resurface later in inappropriate ways. Some people never deal with their losses and get stuck in self-pity or resentment. In the worst case, they die bitter and unhappy. David grieved well and his writings have inspired people who are grieving. Often as people grieve and come to accept their losses they become a strength and an encouragement to others. We can see this as healing even though the illness or the disability has not disappeared. The person is at peace within and able to enjoy both God's presence and his or her own life. Imagine John grieving his losses and, then, rather than getting stuck, writing books about faith and suffering. Imagine his parents opening their home to foster children with serious disabilities. Imagine Jim, Susan and their daughters hosting a picnic in the park for other families affected by serious disabilities. Imagine Brett, Sharon and their family going on in the darkness, learning to affirm each other, and becoming a family that sticks together and keeps on trusting. Healthy grieving of losses brings about the possibility of joys that can follow the grieving. |
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