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I was raped by my boyfriendName withheld In some ways it seems like only yesterday and in other ways it's a lifetime ago, that, after about six months of dating, I was raped by my boyfriend. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. My boyfriend, a nice guy, an A student, athlete, was forcing me to have sex. He raped me! I struggled to get free from him, but he was much stronger than me. I said "NO! STOP! PLEASE STOP!" but it was as if he didn't hear me. How could he not hear me? He didn't want to hear me. I just went numb, then and for many days following. I didn't know who to tell. I didn't know what to tell. I felt ashamed, confused, angry, sad, dirty, cut off from God, and I blamed myself. This happened when I was in my mid teen years, at a time when date rape was really not talked about, not at school, home and certainly not in the church. I had known there was a crisis centre in our city, but I wanted to talk with someone that I knew and that knew me. Because of my Christian commitment and Christian home, I struggled and felt haunted with issues of faith - anger at God. Where was God when I was being raped? Could God hear my cries of "NO"? Could God hear my cries of pain, then and now? Was I still a child of God? I remember thinking that I wanted to speak with someone from a faith perspective. I needed to be heard, to tell someone who cared and would believe me. I needed to be reassured of constant God's love, that God hears my cries and shares my pain. But there didn't seem to be anyone at that time. I didn't talk about my experience of date rape until much later in my life. I am thankful that I found someone who listened without judging, offered support and encouragement, provided safety for me to give expression of my anger and pain, and with care and sensitivity reintroduced the sacred into my journey of healing. It saddens me that the church continues to be silent about issues of sex, sexuality, abuse. These are justice issues in which the community of faith can provide a prophetic and peace witness. Rape is sin. Sex or sexual contact that is forced or coerced is sin. The church is quick to preach premarital or extramarital sex as sin. What preaching have you heard that names sexual assault, sexual abuse as sin? I remember the first time after the rape when I read the Bible story of the rape of Tamar. I wept! I had and still have never heard this story used in a sermon or Sunday School class. There are many biblical stories of the pain of sexual assault that should be preached. These stories call the church to respond, identify with the pain of the victim/s, and learn about the cycle of violence. I consider it a gift to have the church provide an opportunity to teach and discuss healthy sexuality. I urge communities of faith not to wait until pre-marriage counselling to talk about the gift of sexuality, and the relation of sexuality and spirituality. There are youth today that know the pain of sexual assault, that are struggling with issues of sexuality and faith and long to bring this to a caring community of believers.
When I was fourteen my boyfriend, who was sixteen, invited me over to his house for the afternoon. He showed me around the house and then to his bedroom. He started taking off my clothes and then his. I kept saying no but not very firmly. And he paid me attention. I wish he would have just stopped and asked, "Do you mind if we do this?" But instead he said,'What are you afraid of? You think you might get pregnant?" and then he pulled out a condom. I remember just lying there, not doing anything, while he raped me. I was numb.
I know something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I've become obsessed with having a certain girl. I scheme and plan and when she's hard to get its an even more exciting challenge. Sometimes she'll say yes; other times I'll force myself on her. But what's troubling is that as soon as I have her I change. I stop wanting her. I totally lose interest. Sometimes the next time I see her I'm disgusted by her. What's wrong with me?"
These two stories adapted from Abuse Bulletin: Date Rape, Mennonite Central Committee Canada Women's Concerns & VNV Top |
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