Mennonite Central Committee

Responding to the one who abused

 

The abuse must stop!

Be very clear that the abusive behaviour is not acceptable and must stop. This is the first priority.

Do not accept rationalizations or blame of the victim.

Even if one is under extreme pressure at work, or even if their partner is having an affair, abuse is not acceptable. The blame needs to be placed squarely on the shoulders of the one who has behaved abusively, the abuse is no one else's fault.

Do not take the abuser's word that the abuse has stopped.

Rather, check with the abused partner. Often it may be necessary for a couple to separate until the violence and other abusive behaviours have stopped.

Hold the one who abused accountable.

Promises to change are part of the cycle of abuse. Unless they are accompanied by concrete actions such as going to a treatment group, they are meaningless. In order for real change to take place, the one who abused must accept full responsibility for the abusive behaviours, without minimizing or making excusing. Then, if the one who behaved abusively is serious about changing, he will to the work of seeking out appropriate accountability and the supports he needs in place to do the hard work of changing. Tangible evidence of change also includes listening to the way the one who was abused was impacted by the abuse and doing what one can to address the harm caused by the abuse. These are ways the one who abused can work towards rebuilding broken trust where possible.

Do not allow a public confession until the one who abused has completed specialized treatment for abuser

Abusers often seek "a quick fix" and may request your support. The one who has been victimized by the abuse will know best whether the abuse really has ended.

Offer him hope that he can change, but only if he chooses

Group treatment designed especially for men who batter seems to be the most effective. This is different than anger management. Rather, abuse usually has to do with underlying beliefs about entitlement particularly in relationships between men and women. The work of changing from being abusive in relationships to no longer behaving in ways that are abusive takes a very long time and takes considerable accountability and commitment from the one who behaved abusively.

Call local community resources

to find Assaultive Men's group phone numbers.

Do not urge marital therapy until it is clear that the abuse has stopped

Only after the abuser has taken full responsibility for the abusive behaviours and recognized the impact on the victim can they take steps toward rebuilding the relationship. To ask them to work towards rebuilding the relationship or to encourage forgiveness prematurely may endanger the victim even further.

 

Adapted with permission from Abuse Bulletin #1, Voices for Non-Violence and MCC Canada Women's Concerns Committee.

 

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