Responding to the Abused
Assess the danger
Listen
-
Give her time
Don't rush her. She has been controlled and manipulated in many ways. Allow her to be in charge of this time. It may the first time in a long time that she is able to talk freely and therefore it may not be easy for her; there may be many long pauses. She may need time to organize what she is wanting to tell you. Don't panic or offer solutions.
-
Beware of blaming the victim
The abuse is not her fault. Because she has been told for years that it is, she will need to hear many times that it was not. Listen carefully to her story and respond to her feelings. Avoid comments like "I'll have to talk to him; there are always two sides to every story" etc. In almost 100% of the cases she will understate the severity, frequency and length of the abuse.
-
Reassure her
Reassure her that she has not failed as a wife. She does not cause the abuse. No one deserves to be hit. Be sure to communicate this repeatedly. Conflict is normal. Hitting or verbal abuse is not. Be deliberate in validating her and her story and the many ways in which she has tried to solve these problems. Be sure to communicate REPEATEDLY that the abuse is not her fault.
-
Recognize that abuse escalates
If she stays in the situation and her husband does not acknowledge his abusiveness and actively seek help, the abuse will happen again and it will get worse; so discuss her options with her.
-
Avoid giving advice
She probably loves her husband and it is quite possible that when he is not abusive he can be very loving to her. He may have greatly damaged her self-esteem and her confidence in her ability to take care of herself and her children. She is making some of the most complex and agonizing decisions of her life and will feel pulled in so many directions. Don't reinforce her low self-esteem by taking over and making decisions for her. While you listen to her, she will sort out what she needs and wants. If she asks you for specific advice, assure her that she is the expert on her own relationship. Recognize that it is not your place to give specific advice but offer to be a support and help her consider her options.
-
Make referrals
Be honest and self aware of the limits of your abuse training and expertise to avoid counselling beyond your ability. Rather, be prepared to refer victims of abuse to others who have specialized skills for addressing abuse.
-
Help her make a safety plan
Respect her strength. Assist her in her planning, but don't take charge. She is capable of that herself and needs to be supported in that process, not run over. Her opinions may come forth as questions, her plans as tentative ideas, give her room to solidify them. This may be the only safe way she has for now to process things.
She has information that no one else will have about the nature, dynamics and patterns of abuse.
Plan for Personal Safety
Finding helpful information
Crisis lines, Children's Help Line and transition houses in your community are listed near the front of most telephone books.
Call them to get helpful information on the victim services closest to you, such as:
- Crisis Line
- Transition House
- Therapists
- Domestic Violence Sexual Abuse Support Groups
-
Encourage her to use any local resources
available to victims of abuse in order for her to get as much information as possible about her options. Local programs may include a support group of women who have been or are in similar situations. Sharing experiences with others can be very helpful in putting her own situation in perspective. There may also be therapy resources available to her as she works to rebuild her own life. Financial assistance for counselling may be needed.
-
Support temporary separation
if she is in danger and that is what she chooses. Do not ever put pressure on her to go back to her situation. Separating may be the safest plan for the woman and her children. It is often the only thing that encourages the abuser to seek treatment. But it does put her at risk. Do not push her to leave or criticize her for not having done so.
-
Suggest that her husband needs to be held accountable
He needs to take responsibility for and change his behaviour. Abuse is a crime. It may in the long run be most helpful for him to be held accountable for his behaviour.
-
Maintain ongoing contact
regardless of her decision. You are her pastor/family/friend/caregiver and an important source of support.
Adapted with permission from Abuse Bulletin #2,
Voices for Non-Violence and MCC Canada Women's Concerns Committee
Top
