Mennonite Central Committee

From the Eyes of a Male Victim

September 2007

After 27 years of marriage, I left my wife, not because I didn’t love her, but because I was unable to handle the abuse any longer. I don’t know when it started nor at what point it escalated to life threatening physical attacks.

As is the case with many couples, we were very different; she was a true server and I did not see the things that needed to be done. I, on the other hand, enjoyed spending time preparing to lead a Bible study and she resented that this took up so much of my time. Lack of respect led to a lot of criticism and demeaning comments that made me feel worthless as a man; it became very clear to me that in her eyes I was a poor husband who didn’t exercise his responsibilities as a father to our children. I couldn’t do anything right. There seemed to be all those expectations that I could never live up to, and over time I felt like I was not much more than the gardener of our yard. She made major decisions without even discussing them with me, even though it affected others in the family.

How did our marriage end in such an abusive situation? The earliest signs were control issues; these were often over little things that may not seem to be that important, but as time progressed, my opinions mattered less all the time. There was a withholding of affection and affirmation towards everyone in our family, and when I saw how that was affecting our children I found myself ‘crawling into a shell’. I dared not confront the situation for fear of an angry outburst, and so we, the children and I, ‘walked on eggshells’. The verbal abuse that our children endured was incredibly painful to see. There was rarely a day where our teen age daughter was not in tears as she went to school. Our oldest son, who had just started his own business and still lived at home, had failed to live up to his Mother’s expectations one Mother’s Day. She cried for hours that night and then wrote a six page letter and put it on his door; he moved out the next day. Not long after that our daughter also moved out, and we saw little of her over the next few years.

Throughout this time there had been physical attacks, both on the children and on me. After a physical altercation with our youngest son when he was in grade 7, he told her never to touch him again or he would mash her within an inch of her life. From that point on he had a hunting knife beside his bed at all times. Having been punched in the head on numerous occasions and smashed across the face with a telephone, I feared not only for what  might happen to our children but I feared for my own safety and always ensured that there were no objects, like knives or rolling pins on the counter, that could be used as weapons by her. I feared for my life and realized that we could not carry on with this downward spiral, but suggestions that we go for counselling were belittled and I saw no way out; in my hopelessness I just wanted to die.

Our pastor and two couples that were close to both of us, advised me that I had to leave, but how could I abandon the person I loved, and how would that help? Then, one day when I questioned a decision she had made, she flew into a rage, attacking my face with her fingernails, punching me, cracking one of my ribs, and then choking me to the point where I could not breathe. I had to fight hard to get her hands off me and I felt like I was going crazy. The day after this attack I received a phone call from a counsellor with Focus on The Family, asking me what was going on at our home. ‘Something in your recent letter makes me ask’ he said. When I told him what had happened just the day before, he advised me to leave ‘before one of you does something you will regret for the rest of your lives’. I realized at that point that I was as capable of killing my wife as I was afraid she would do to me and so I, together with my youngest son, moved out  to stay temporarily, with friends who had advised me that we needed to leave my wife. Two months later we rented a house and the older two children came to live with us as well. Confirmation for this action came when our youngest son said, ‘Do you know what I love about this place? We can laugh again!’

Our leaving was never meant to be permanent. We now went for counselling, but none of those sessions lasted very long since she did not find them helpful. After 12 years of separation, I finally filed for divorce. The abuse has ended and all three children are doing well in their work and in their relationships. I have the privilege of spending a lot of time with my children and grandchildren and we often invite my former wife to be part of the celebrations in our family. I am very grateful for this degree of reconciliation that we have been able to achieve.  (anonymous)

 

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