Mennonite Central Committee

Janice's Story

April 2007

We met in high school and started dating on and off. Right from the beginning he acted like he was above me, but when I look back I can see that I was very insecure. Whenever anything went wrong, he would say, "It's always your fault. You're the problem." He was insecure and jealous. Now when I look back I can see it was so unhealthy.

It all started this one night when he was so angry at me and I wanted to find out what was wrong. When I tried to stop him from going away angry, he punched me and I passed out. When I woke the next morning I realized my jaw was broken. I went to the hospital and lied to everyone, saying that I fell outside on some ice. Everyone, including my parents believed me. This was the beginning of the lies I made and the secrets I kept.

I ended up marrying him a few years later. He was an engineer for the railway and was away a lot for training and work. I was a stay at home mom for my three children, taking care of them all by myself while making sure everything was done for him too. Even when the children were small his needs were to be first and utmost.

One night when we were sleeping I woke up because he was snoring loudly. I nudged him in hopes that his snoring would cease, but this only provoked him. As he left the room he hit me in the back of the head saying that I had hurt him. I had lost my hearing and eventually went to the doctor to get checked out and told him that I was playing ball and got hit in the head with a baseball. Another lie.

Sometimes my mom would take the children and she would come back and say "something's going on in you house, you'd better smarten up." I didn't feel like I had any support.

There were other incidents throughout the years and our arguments continued and I eventually started yelling back and throwing things in defense of my frustrations and hurts. One of my counsellors described it well when she said that if you poke and provoke a caged animal it will eventually start to fight back. I felt that I could never win an argument. I tried to leave a few times, but I felt like I did not have anywhere to go. I felt that I could not go to my parents and I thought that the right thing was to stick it out for the kids. I also felt that no one would truly understand my 'secret life'.

We were involved in community clubs when the children were young. We were involved in many activities and we did have many social contacts: maybe that was my saving grace. The mental and physical abuse continued — I would get punched, choked, slapped, spit on, he would call me names and I would continue on, taking my kids to hockey games, etc as if nothing happened. I learned when it was coming and I was a pro at lying not only to everyone around me, but to myself as well. Suicidal thoughts would at times erupt in my head and denial is a great coping mechanism. We even fooled the children in so many ways because the worst would happen when they were in school or elsewhere. The abuse was always minimized. He would say or deny his behaviour by stating that other women had it worse—they had broken bones. "I don't throw you down the stairs!"

Eventually, I got a job and went out to work. This was a great transition for me, but a difficult one for him. This new job helped to give me courage and some self sufficiency and I developed some nerve to tell him I did not want to be married to him anymore. A friend told me about a support group. I tried it but felt so awful listening to the other women's stories. The things they were dealing with, the things that had happened to them were horrible, I felt like I didn't have the same right or need to be there. Wrong!

After a short while I took him back, but there was no apology. We tried marriage counselling but we never talked or acknowledged the real issue of abuse. He did feel 'picked on' by the counsellor, so we stopped going.

I tried to break it off five times throughout the cycles. We always promised to change and for short periods he did. I never really knew or believed that I was being abused and if I tried to tell someone I would only tell bits and pieces of what was really going on even though in my heart I knew things were not good. I was afraid: afraid to be with him and afraid to be without him.

Finally, after the fifth time of trying to end this relationship we separated for good, but things continued to be difficult. He manipulated me so that he wouldn't have to pay as much alimony/ child support or even pension. You see, money was always his first love and under his control. He painted himself the victim, the one who was hurting, and our kids still feel sorry for him, which has been the most difficult thing.

I didn't realize how oppressed I was until long after we divorced. I did not finish high school and I always wanted to go back. I finally got brave enough and I am in university taking Social Work. It was through the self awareness classes that I learned to unveil my many masks and recognize my life for what it really was. A teacher took me aside and talked to me and she eventually turned me on to a counsellor at Osborne House where I learned about domestic abuse and where I could finally say that " I was abused'. I used to say 'he wasn't nice to me'. I now realize that I did not deserve to be abused and that it was NOT my fault. I am trying to find my identity because abuse takes that away.

It is still hard to process the experiences. Sometimes it all seems like a blur. I have re-married and my husband is very supportive, not only with me going to school, but, in still dealing with issues that come up. I have lingering fears and sadness and I feel angry at times. My children were affected and I pray that they will someday learn how to come to grips with the past . I pray that I have broken the cycle by leaving and by facing my fears and goals. Hopefully, my children will not make the same mistake that I made in marrying someone who feels it is their right to beat up a marriage partner. Hopefully, history will not repeat itself.

Even though the scars may never completely disappear, they are camouflaged, not by being a victim, rather, by being a survivor.

 

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